In order to provide the best possible support to parents and guardians, our main program manager, psychologist and psychotherapist Smiljana Grujic answers some frequent questions of parents. We hope you find our First Aid Kit for parenting dilemmas section useful and interesting! If you want to ask Smiljana a question, feel free to write to us in the comments section below, and we will include the answer to your question in the next blog.
I have a 9-year-old son, he won’t study, he always does things he mustn’t do, he won’t listen when he is told what he shouldn’t do something, what he shouldn’t take, always does the opposite of what his parents tell him.
This kind of behavior must be very frustrating for you and I’m sure it’s not easy. The more you encourage yourself to turn off your own stress siren in these situations, the more likely you are to react in a way that will allow you to see what happens to the child in situations where he/she exhibits the behavior that you characterize as unacceptable.
Every child is different, has their own personality and temperament and learns at a different pace.
When you are dissatisfied with your child’s behavior, it may help to ask yourself what encourages your child to behave that way. What feelings and needs is the child trying to express? Although it may seem that way, the child is not trying to make you angry – the child is behaving like that because he did not get something he needs from you as a parent, which is very important and has unmet needs that underlie the behavior he is showing.
Maybe he needs more structure in relation to you, or support for the daily activities that are in front of him, maybe he wants to choose what is best for him, so he needs an understanding for that.
Help your child express his feelings by telling him, “I think it’s important for you to finish what you started, and you want to choose when you want to do something. Did I understand you well?
In this way, you put yourself in your child’s shoes in order to discover what is important to the child in a given situation. If you blame him, scold him, label him that he should not behave like that, it is less constructive in situations when the child shows unacceptable behavior. It is much more effective to offer him a choice, to try to understand what he needs in a given situation, than to order him, threaten him, or shout at him.